Written by: Kala Armijo
Bottoms up! It's National Kink Month, and we're here to help you explore.
Not only does kink and BDSM allow you to see yourself and your partner in a different light, there are many benefits to practicing. It’s been found that practicing kink and BDSM can improve communication skills, decrease stress and promote a more restful sleep. Its also been known to release adrenaline, and endorphins.
According to Jaiya in Cuffed Tied and Satisfied, certain types of Kink and BDSM can "lead to deep trance, rapture and subspace." It could even go so far as to improve the way you view yourself and your sexual expression. Think about any new experience you’ve had and how that may have changed your self perception, or your perspective of the world around you.
Kinks, or what some call "non-conventional" sexual practices, are vast and varied, but also much more popular than many believe, so "non-conventional" may be a bit of a misnomer.
Due to a certain book and movie series, the rise in popularity of Dominance and Submission has people either confused or secretly curious. So let's break it down with some descriptions.
Simply put, a Dom, Domme or Top is the person who is giving the pleasure, touch or other desired activity. The Dom does most of the work in the dynamic. They want to give and they want their partner to enjoy what they are being given.
A Submissive or a Bottom is the one who receives said pleasure, touch or desired activity. Some like to be told what to do, others just want to lay back and enjoy what the Dom has to offer.
A Switch or Verse is someone who enjoys both of these dynamics. Either with the same or different partners for different roles.
A Scene is the container, the agreed upon time and place a Dom and Sub decide to engage with each other. If you aren't sure how long you want to play for, you can set a timer for whatever amount of time feels good. Say thirty minutes, more or less depending on your schedules or experience level.
In a scene or any sexual situation for that matter, the most important part is trust and mutual enthusiastic consent. A clear discussion of boundaries, desired outcomes and a safe word are necessary for all participants to feel safe and respected.
A safe word is a word either person can use if the scene becomes too intense or if someone needs to take a break. It is typically a word one wouldn't say in an erotic scenario and is best if it is one or two syllables. Some people like to use the traffic light method: RED means stop, YELLOW means slow down, and GREEN means go go go!
It is important during a scene to pay attention to your partner's body language and facial expressions, checking in if there is any amount of uncertainty. Sometimes a scene can be overwhelming in many ways and keeping the communication going throughout will help ensure all participants are enjoying themselves.
There are many elements to BDSM, but we're going to focus on impact play, sensory/sensation play, and safely using restraints.
To start, it's important to know that BDSM should only hurt if you want it to. Even though some individuals get pleasure from pain, not all who practice BDSM are seeking pain, which is why it is important to be clear about the expectations or desired outcome from a scene.
So let's discuss the part that many people are intimidated by, which is impact play.
Impact play is the practice of being struck by a hand or object for the gratification of all involved. Mostly focused on the buttocks, thighs and upper back. Avoiding the torso and any vital organs. A good way to understand the way impact play works is to practice on yourself using your hand. We feel that if anyone is going to practice BDSM it is important to know what these different levels of play feel like to the individual performing them.
To begin practice on either your leg or your other hand. Introduce your hand to the desired area. First with a light caress, then with a more firm touch (like rubbing) after that, you can begin slowly tapping on the area. A gradual building of touch creates more erotic tension and anticipation which can make for a more pleasurable experience for everyone involved. Now that you have an idea of where to begin, ask your partner if you can practice on them.
Starting with the same gentle approach, ask your partner if you can intensify the touch. You can do this by gently slapping the area, going faster with more slaps or slower with fewer in between to keep your partner guessing.
You can use this approach with any impact toy. For example a flogger; a flogger looks like a long leather (or faux leather) tassel with a handle on it. They are wonderful to play with because they can feel delicate or tough depending on how they're used. Introduce the flogger by letting the ends dance along your partner's skin. Dragging the ends up and down your partner's body letting them know what is in store. You can swing the flogger against their thigh, giving them an idea of its weight and the option to ask for more or less sensation.
Other impact toys you can try are paddles, riding crops and even a fly swatter. All of which have a slightly different sensation when used. Have the person in the submissive role choose which toys to use to add more excitement to the scene.
The next category is Sensation and Sensory play. This can involve many different items that can be used individually or in combination with other toys to give your partner a variety of experiences. Some of these include: vibrators, feathers, scarves, blindfolds, body safe candle wax, pointy claws and/ or a Wartenberg wheel (a small metal instrument with a circle of tiny spikes to tickle the skin for a spicy visual and a hair raising experience). The possibilities are endless with sensation play. Something all types of people - kinky or vanilla - can enjoy.
Next up are restraints; which can be scarves, rope, cuffs, or bondage tape. It is important to make sure the surroundings and participants both feel safe. If using rope or scarves, keep a pair of safety scissors nearby. Restraints can add a fun layer of anticipation and surrender as well as bringing more heat to the dom/sub dynamic. As always it is important for all partners to enthusiastically consent, pay attention to each other's body language and honor the safe word agreed upon.
You can use restraints in many positions so long as it is one you and your partner want to be in for a length of time!
Finally we would like to discuss the importance of After Care. Whether you want to cuddle, discuss the scene, cry or have a hot cup of tea, the aftercare is just as important as any element of the scene. Knowing each person has received the affection and consideration they need after playing helps make room for more adventure possibilities the next time you decide to play.
We hope this has been helpful and inspired some new ideas for play. If you need to stock up on elegant BDSM toys and equipment, you can shop here or ask to see our Spice Cabinet in our boutique located in downtown Olympia.